Becoming Human: On the Redemptive Path of Suffering | Part 2 of 2

Theological Letters

A quick note: I’m producing The East-West Series, a comprehensive 25-lecture exploration of the theological differences between Eastern and Western Christianity. We’re crowdfunding to complete production — watch the trailer and learn more at theeastwestseries.com.

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This is part 2 from a live talk I gave to the Antiochian Men’s Group. If you haven’t yet, please read part 1.

Suffering. A word near to those who choose to rise early on a Saturday to hear a theological lecture.

Thank you for being here. And thank you to the Antiochian Men’s Group for the invitation.

Those who read my work or listen to my podcast know that I tend to speak on matters of theology and metaphysics, readily confessing that I am no one’s priest. I am a scholar who works in areas of philosophy and historical theology. None of that changes here this morning. I am a layman of the Orthodox Church. I say this because I have chosen to include in this morning’s talks lessons about suffering and its spiritual benefit. The lessons I offer carry no spiritual authority over any of you. I offer them not as a spiritual athlete who has excelled in transformation. Rather, I offer them as a layman and a fellow Orthodox Christian, hobbling on the road to salvation.

Before I begin, allow me to provide a road map for this morning’s talk. We’ll begin by looking at what the Eastern fathers of the Church tell us about the nature of man, our creation, our corruption, and our correction.

I provide this backdrop for two reasons. The first is because the majority, if not the totality, of us are Westerners. Whether we know it or not, we have been shaped by Western thinking. And much of Western thought about the nature of man is contrary to the teachings of the Eastern fathers. Hence, it’s important to correct these lenses as part of our ongoing catechesis and repentance.

The second reason is that it provides the abstract reasons why suffering is indispensable to the remaking of man, which is to say, to our salvation. Such is part 1 of this talk.

After providing the abstract reasons for the importance of suffering, I’ll turn, in part 2, to the enfleshed reality, offering to you, dear listeners, lessons from my own life that have taught me in very tangible ways the wisdom behind so many words of the Saints about pain. So with that, let’s begin.

Part 1: The Making, Corruption, and Remaking of Man

Part 2. Six Lessons Learned through Suffering

In recent years, I have been forced to learn the lessons about suffering in a more personal way than I ever thought possible. A little more than four years ago, my wife of twenty-one years and I divorced. That event and the events to follow were and remain the most painful experiences of my life.

I do not speak publicly about my divorce, today being a singularly rare exception. I realize that the mere mention of divorce is uncomfortable, people being unsure what to say or how to conduct themselves, and rest assured the topic is no more comfortable for me either. But my hope is that bringing into the light the lessons learned might offer something redemptive. God has unquestionably used this most tragic of events for my own refinement, and perhaps by sharing those lessons with you, even more good might come.

Allow me to speak candidly. Divorce is hell. Even if justified, it is a death that never offers a final rattle. Ripping apart two who have been one flesh, watching someone you built a life with become a stranger is one of the most painful things imaginable.Observing the impact on the children, wondering how their futures might have been different weighs heavy on the mind and the conscience. Grief is constant, often overwhelming.

Added to all this are the social dimensions. Divorce is extremely isolating. The topic is uncomfortable. People don’t know how to talk about it, so they don’t. In my own case, no one in my family called to see how I was doing for six months after the divorce. And I still have family members who have never broached the topic.

Family, friends, and communities often have a strange sense that they must choose sides. We can no longer be friends with both. Or worse, we need to assign blame and determine who is the villain and who is the victim, so we know who to comfort and who to shun. And so, the fracture in the family, which is palpable and painful, like a broken limb, spreads to every facet of life.

In these dynamics, I’ve learned first hand why the Bible speaks so harshly about judging others, about gossip, and about slander, naming gossips amongst those in the lake of fire and warning that God will measure it back to you the degree to which you judge another. Such sentiments seem harsh until you are on the receiving end.

I recall a story of a woman who went to a priest-monk for confession, and she confessed that she had gossiped. The monk told her to take a pillow up to the top of the mountain, rip it open, and cast the feathers about. She did, and when she returned, he instructed her to now gather all of the feathers. Her face grew long at the instruction: That’s impossible, she replied. And the monk agreed. Noting that so it is with gossip.

I have witnessed firsthand how far-flung gossip can spread, how this vice, deemed damnable by sacred Scripture, is a socially acceptable sin against a great many Christian communities. I have marveled at hearing what people “know,” which they do not, and speak so freely and fervently about.

I share all of this as context for the lessons I have learned from these cruel masters, lessons for which I’m exceedingly grateful. But before I offer these, allow me one word of advice, or better, a plea.

Be the exception. If you know someone has been divorced, do not avoid them or the awkward topic. Ask them how they are doing, often. Do not judge or presume you know the person or what happened. More importantly, remember that you are not their judge, and thus there is no need for you to know nor place blame. God has not entrusted to you the task of judging them. Do not shun either side but show compassion to both. Embrace the children who are the victims of such a tragedy. Do not gossip. Do not claim to know. Do the one thing you are called to do, which is love your neighbor, to care for those who have been beaten by robbers (that is the devil and his minions) and left for dead. And bid others to do the same, doing your part to halt judgment, gossip, slander, and divisions. For the cancers of judgment, of gossip, of slander, of choosing sides and the rest are a cancer no less diabolic in their effects, on the broken family and their community, as the divorce itself.

Having said this, I acknowledge that the fallout described seems almost inevitable, even when there are those who model the exception. So, to one like myself, who finds himself in such throes, what is he to do?

Every bit of sound wisdom I have found in navigating this question over the last four-plus years has been found in sacred Scripture and its echoes in the Saints of the Orthodox Church and the monks of Vatopedi Monastery on Mount Athos, who have walked through these years with me. So, allow me to offer six brief lessons learned through suffering, and then we can rest.

Lesson 1: Do not return evil for evil, but to repay evil with good, including the good of prayer. On the one hand, this is a familiar teaching. The temptation, however, is to see it merely as a command, a way of conducting ourselves we are instructed to do by our Lord. And it is indeed that. But I have come to see something more in this.